WWith Valentine’s Day in full swing, you might be gearing up to spend an evening with your soulmate. or, if you are not currently RelationshipYou can choose to use February 14th to have fun with someone who is just who you are No As yet dating, And who can say that there isn’t a good way to make the best of this “love day”?
As you’re continuing along your dating journey, there are a few habits you’ll want to keep an eye on that could inform who you’re sitting across from and what your relationship could become.
In today’s dating world, some sinister trends have become more painfully common than ever, which is why we talked to relationship expert Susan Winter, A Relationship Specialist Based in New York CityAnd Irina FirstinWhat are these toxic tactics and how to spot them, an individual and couples therapist in Manhattan.
it is not to say All is romance dead or is it All dating is evil. There are some trends to keep in mind that can actually make you and your love interest’s relationship, or whatever you call it, even stronger.
Here are five dating trends to avoid this Valentine’s Day and three you can actually use.
Avoid: ghosting
Perhaps the most common trend of them all is haunting. It means almost exactly what it sounds like: when whoever you’re talking to turns into a “ghost” and cuts off communication out of nowhere. The matter of why they have stopped messaging, calling etc can often be unclear.
Although it seems easier to send an “I wish you well” text instead of ghosting, it doesn’t seem ideal anymore. talking to IndependentWinter explains how ghosting is the result of “hookup culture”—when people choose something casual over a relationship.
“Hookup culture has depersonalized relationships and connections, making them disposable,” she says. “The whole idea of a casual relationship really fell through the cracks of human humility because they think: ‘It doesn’t really mean anything, it wasn’t a relationship.’ So the absence of giving someone a label allows them to err on the side of behaving very badly.
Firstein agrees with Winter on why ghosting happens and acknowledges how it can extend beyond the early stages of dating.
“More troubling is when it happens after a few dates or after the relationship has started and progressed somewhat,” she says. “It is caused by emotional cowardice and avoidance of feeling uncomfortable emotions that are normal human emotions that result from hurting another human being and/or ending a relationship.”
Avoid: love bombing
Despite the term having a positive connotation at first, love bombing is a controlling behavior in the dating world. Winter describes it as someone glorifying their relationship with you and painting a dream for your future together.
For example, short phrases like: “I can’t stop thinking about you” or “I’ve never met anyone like you” can be said to you when you are having an attack of love. While these tidbits may be exactly what you want to hear, it can be too much at once. The problem with love bombers is that they tend to be overly guarded, a tactic that can eventually turn into quite the manipulative one.
“It takes away from your existence,” she explains. “The light is so bright, the attention so delicious. We all like to be desired, even though you know you shouldn’t go there. And the person who keeps throwing light and praise, you become addicted to it. Same thing Well, it’s a seduction technique.”
Firstein further explains that when you are being love bombarded, it could be a sign that your relationship is not going to last long. It’s your partner’s misinterpretation of feelings that are shared to “lock you” into the relationship.
“They’re exaggerating feelings and intentions and pursuing a relationship without much to back it up. It’s either to avoid pain, in general, or to avoid a breakup.” That’s in the process,” she says. “This ironically happens to commitment phobics or narcissists who want to feel they can manipulate people for self-advancement.”
Avoid: gaslighting
A behavior that also occurs outside of dating, gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse when someone manipulates you by asking what you think or feel. This phrase became so popular in 2022 that Merriam Webster chose gaslighting as its word of the year.
as defined by the online dictionaryGaslighting leads to “confusion, loss of self-confidence and self-esteem, uncertainty of one’s emotional or mental stability, and dependence on the person doing it”. went on explaining to winter Independent That when you’re dating a gaslighter, they totally twist your words.
“Instead of working through a problem, they put the problem back on you,” she says. “And they make you think it’s your fault or you’re imagining it. So this is an ultimate form of lack of responsibility and a desire to make you crazy.
Avoid: Ignore
Nagging, also often referred to as emotional manipulation, is when someone intentionally gives you a backhanded compliment. As Winter points out, an example might be your partner saying: “Oh, that dress is really cute, that was a few years ago.”
Winter explains that this manipulative behavior often happens because a partner wants to make you feel vulnerable so that you can gain their approval.
“Nagging is something that sounds like a compliment, but it gets you down at the same time,” she adds. “It is done because of wanting that person’s approval. That they notice you but you are not up to snuff.
Avoid: paperclipping
Unlike these other dating trends, this one is a bit more specific. Paperclipping explains how He The ex reaches out to you at random points but with no intention of wanting you back.
The term originated in 2019 after illustrator Samantha Rothenberg shared A picture of the infamous and now-retired icon for Microsoft Word mascot Clippy, In Rothenberg’s illustration, she describes the ways in which this “paper clip” can be just as toxic as an ex you’re not necessarily friends with.
“Sometimes I pop up for no reason. Like right now,” reads the speech bubble in the graphics. “Look, the truth is, I’m damaged, flaky, and not particularly interested in you. But I don’t want you to forget that I exist.
Winter describes paperclipping as a way to “reserve one’s heart” and says it allows your ex to make you a permanent choice because you have a history together.
“You have a connection. You feel it entitles you to make contact again. You don’t really intend to do anything, but you might. So, put them on hold,” she continues. She says. “If this person caused chaos in your life, and they come back, you just have to walk away.”
Firstein also acknowledges that it’s not a good thing when someone paperclips you, saying: “It’s usually a reaction to current disapproval or new relationship difficulties. In my experience, there’s no real change or change.” That’s why things will end up the same way again, which is what’s causing someone to reach out. It can also hinder your recovery from the original breakup.
Use: hardballing
While some behaviors should definitely be avoided, there are some good behaviors that can help build your relationship. Winter notes that while hardballing resembles a “hard stabbing term”, it is “a very rational move” and also a fairly simple behavior. It means when you are honest and straight about what you are looking for.
“Whether it’s in your online profile or the first time you meet in person,” she suggests. “Only that way, when you review your hand and what you want, you know whether they’re going to be a match for you.”
She stresses the benefits of hardballing, as opposed to learning later that you and your love interest are headed in different directions. “It saves you months of wasted time, only to come to that conclusion, with heartbreak,” she says.
Use: ‘turned towards’ your relationship.
After studying couples for more than 50 years, psychologists Dr. John Gottman and Dr. Julie Schwartz Gottman Learned how the act of turning your relationship around can make it a success,
The doctors note that by responding to different “bids for connection” from your partner, which could be a quick phone call or a request for a deeper conversation, you are “acknowledging them and their effort to connect.” are attached”.
Gottmans suggests that one way to practice this behavior is with 10-minute check-ins at some point in the day where neither you or your partner can be interrupted. Couples can also consider small moments, such as saying “good morning” at the start of the day, an opportunity to connect.
Use: ‘Main character energy’
This Gen-Z term has been defined beyond just the dating sphere. The premise is to focus on yourself being happy with the person you are becoming.
In a recent study by uk dating website plenty of fish“Main character energy” was identified as one of the top dating trends of 2023. In the study results, 49 percent of singles said they were making “active changes to put themselves first.”
Ultimately, Plenty Fish says that by focusing on yourself when dating, you won’t settle for less than what you want. In the process of finding what works for you, you are choosing to value your time and someone else’s.