More than 120 million posts have emerged on TikTok over the past few years about the rise of an unexpected trend: self-imposed celibacy,
While some predicted a post-pandemic era “Sexual promiscuity“, readers from all walks of life and generations told us that rather than doubling down on hookup culture, they’ve found refreshing clarity in a more rigorous approach to physical intimacy.
While some readers’ entry into sexual abstinence occurred before COVID, common threads persist. Whether readers decided to implement a break for a few months or for the rest of their lives, they all agreed that celibacy was a positive experience that impacted not only their relationship with sex, but also with themselves. Offered a welcome perspective.
‘I didn’t have sex with anyone other than myself for eight months’
I’ve always been a people pleaser and this tendency during sex led me to focus on having a good time with my partner, which included faking orgasms. I still enjoyed sex and was never an unwilling participant but I felt ashamed that I was cheating. And of course I also wanted to orgasm during sex, but until recently I could only orgasm through masturbation.
When my last relationship ended I promised myself that I wouldn’t start another relationship or have sex with anyone until I worked on building my confidence and sense of self-worth to the level that I was. I am not able to give equal importance to my happiness. My partner’s. And it worked!
I didn’t have sex with anyone other than myself for about eight months. When I returned to having sex with a partner, I was able to be honest with them about what I wanted and orgasms during sex became the norm.
Celibacy gave me the opportunity to work on myself and break an unhelpful pattern and I’m so glad I did.
Anonymous, Australia
‘It’s liberating to break free from old ideas about intimacy’
I have been celibate for the past few years and I love this lifestyle. I am in my mid 50’s and have found mental peace, financial security and a stress free daily life by my choice. Living alone (I don’t use the word “single”) is the best decision I’ve ever made.
After a divorce at age 30 and a series of short-term relationships with men who were so immature, insecure, and self-centered that I had to lose myself if I wanted to make relationships work, I realized that being single Life was better in every respect. level.
My sexual needs are addressed and enjoyed alone and my emotional life is expanded and cherished through long-term friendships and my family. I highly recommend this lifestyle to women who are tired of being catered to by men.
It’s liberating to break free of old ideas about intimacy and relationships and choose to live life on the terms of your own happiness. I plan to remain celibate forever.
Anonymous, Australia
‘Celibacy provides complete clarity of mind’
My experience of celibacy was not a choice, but a natural consequence of the intensive Zen training I was undergoing at the time. I am a 50 year old ordained Zen Buddhist monk. I am also married and have children. I have gone through two periods of celibacy: once before the monastic period in India and that was a six-month period. The second time was in a monastery and lasted just over a year.
I have always been and still am very sexual, perhaps even more so now as a result of my experiences. But at that time celibacy was a natural progression from desire to virtually no desire. In my opinion true celibacy is the inability to experience desire even conceptually. From this place, one person interacts with the other as simply a human being rather than an object of desire.
When sexual thoughts are absent it is incredible to realize how much of our daily lives are usually spent with conscious and subconscious sexual thoughts and awareness. Celibacy provides complete clarity of mind.
My guru’s guru once said: “The closest most people come to enlightenment is when they have orgasm.” I practice Tantra now and as long as I am in a sexual relationship, it bridges the gap between my sexual and spiritual needs.
Respected Daiju Zenji, Sydney
‘I was using sex and my looks to validate myself’
About 10 years ago, a candid conversation with my best friend revealed some harsh truths. With my best interests and safety at heart, she told me that she believed that after years of being in a bad relationship that had hurt my self-esteem, I would look to sex and Was using her presence.
I decided to take a year off from sex and dating. The best part was being able to separate who I am at my core and how I look or what others think of me.
Getting back into dating after my celibacy ended was hard. It reminded me that there are a lot of people out there who won’t see or appreciate the inner work you’ve done. Then I met my partner.
I’m glad I tried hard, because figuring out who I am and not seeking approval through sex has prepared me well for a stable relationship.
Anonymous, Australia
‘Life is definitely less complicated’
In the gay scene, which is now dominated by dating apps, sex is primarily a commodity used to mark the head of the bed. I’m tired of the merry-go-round where you have to have sex to meet someone.
I’ve been single for three years now and life is definitely less complicated. I’ve learned that you don’t need to use sex to fill a void in your life. I got a dog for myself two years ago, and it’s wonderful to have a living thing in the house.
Ian, sydney
‘I don’t forget the sexual desires of my fertile years’
Throughout my life I have been fortunate to enjoy sex without any harmful physical or psychological interference that might have affected my desire to remain sexually active. But now I am in my 60s and have been happily celibate for two decades.
I’ve never worried about the “norm” and at least for me, being sexually active or not is determined solely by biology. Just as I don’t miss my baby teeth, I don’t miss the sexual desires of my fertile years.
As a child I knew that sex was something that adults seemed to be obsessed with, but I had no interest in it until I became a promiscuous teen. It seems that after menopause, I’m back in the cycle of feeling free of desire and finding that sex is something that younger people are interested in but that holds no attraction for me. The desire to masturbate has stopped, I don’t even dream about sex. It’s just gone and I don’t remember it at all.
I know many women after menopause are confident or want to keep hormones at a level to maintain desire, but for me this is thinking backwards. Being celibate feels as natural to me now as it did when I was a child.
Being alone and celibate feels like freedom and like my life was always moving towards this point where I would be free from having to cater to anyone else’s needs besides my own.
Anonymous, Australia
Quotes have been edited for structure, clarity, and length.