IIt’s not all dildos and lube and orgasms,” author, artist, and sex educator ruby rare tells me “As much as I want.”
Taken in isolation, this statement can be considered salacious. Insignificant. Hilarious, even. But we are discussing Rishi Sunak’s recent decision to use section 35 of the Scotland Act 1998 to block Scottish transgender legislation. It’s a huge blow for transgender people trying to achieve gender identity, so it’s not a great moment for comedy. “The way these topics are used for political gain is so insidious and so depressing,” sighs Rare. “I think in 15-20 years mainstream culture will look back on and be ashamed of the way transness and trans people have been maligned. So, it’s just as important that more people learn about the anatomy of the clitoris.” I’m learning and getting STI tested, I hope it’s hard enough to do what I’m doing. [But it] Makes me realize it’s even more important to do it.
gender. Sexuality. Relationship types. these subjects are everywhere, And there are rare specialists. Non-monogamous, queer and gender fluid – as well as an academic revolutionizing the national discourse on all three – she is best positioned to capture today’s non-binary zeitgeist. But from a whistle-stop tour of Rare’s, vibrator-littered, candy-pink Instagram (and her 84,000 followers), one can make assumptions. Is he an influencer? Anyone who took advantage of the sex toy revolution of 2020, when lockdown meant it was suddenly illegal to touch other people? not enough.
First and foremost, Rare is a qualified relationship and sex educator (or RSE). She states that her work is “very hard graft”, adding that “a lot of sexual health is deeply unsexy”. his book Sex Ed: A Guide for Adultsand his podcast in contact, both straddle the line between academic and playful, always erring on the side of understanding when discussing marginalized identities. Even at Body Love Sketch Club, the pro-nudity, body-positive space she co-founded with artist Rosie Pendleby, she always reminds participants of the importance of boundaries, consent, and personal safety. After all, she is an expert in what she does, based on years of training and experience.
Rare is sitting in a deep armchair in her Margate living room, which she shares with her non-monogamous partner; Queer, insta-famous web-comic artist Alex Norris. Along with the mantelpiece are Polly Pocket Lodging and ceramic dildos. Patchwork curtains embroidered with non-binary quips. An endless rainbow of trinkets, slogans and papier-mâché knickknacks is celebrating queerness. It may feel weird or sticky. It is not. Rare’s whimsical furnishings encapsulate two essential aspects of his personality: deeply playful, and intrinsically devoted to his work. She smiles from under her shock of trademark pink-neon hair. “I really love the idea of taking silliness seriously and treating serious things with a little silliness,” she smiles. “It seems like it sums up a lot really well.”
this year she will be seen sex rateda new Channel 4 series hosted by rylan clark, It sees unmarried Brits get honest feedback about their sexual practices – and where they may have gone wrong – from their previous sexual partners. Ouch. This will be RERA’s most high-profile assignment till date. But despite her intimidating scholarship, she wonders whether her quirkiness — partly manifested in her vivacious style and flamboyant dress — will impress more traditional audiences. “I have hairy armpits, a monobrow, and weird tattoos,” she says. “I’m a little curious about whether people’s pockets will [watching Sex Rated] Those who associate it with some kind of inadequacy. But I am ready to prove them wrong.”
I’m a big fan of porn, but there are a lot of things that get left out in mainstream porn
We take a trip through RERA’s timeline, which is full of seminal moments. Badly lacking sex education from an RS teacher. The queer childhood feels like it didn’t have the language to express itself. His obsession with Mulan, his “queer icon”. University (“Really Crap Time”). Years of “feeling directionless”. Then Brooke, a UK-based sexual health charity. She spent five years with them, visiting schools, teaching RSE to youth, and training other sex educators and teachers about pregnancy decision-making, porn, and inclusive queerness. Working with adults, she realized that the content of her exercises had not changed as much as she had expected. “I did a big workshop about porn for adults at this festival, and the questions I was getting were very similar to what I was getting from young people,” she recalls. “It was that moment of going, ‘Oh, well, I’m part of a generation, and there are generations under me, who are all playing.’ None of us got half-baked sex education from a young age.”
In 2020, RSE became mandatory in England and Wales, despite opposition from some faith-led protesters. In December 2022, a High Court ruling defeated a campaign organization called Public Child Protection Wales, which described LGBTQ sex and gender identity text as “woke” and “dangerous”. He also claimed the lesson “[promoted] Sexual Lifestyles, Gender Theory and the New Sexuality”. Addressing the resistance to RSE, Rare says that a lot of parents’ fears are rooted in a desire to protect young people, and it’s something she sympathizes with. But many people do not understand what is actually being taught. Rather they imagine the “worst-case scenario”, she says – “the more you can meet with the parents and explain what you’re going to talk about, where you’re coming from and what you need to do.” Why think it’s important, the better. More often than not, there is common ground.
i ask rare if there ever is an age as well Young for someone learning RSE. “I don’t think it’s too young for someone to learn about their body,” she says. ,[But] The way information is communicated, and how much of that information is communicated, depends greatly on age. It’s not just about fair, it’s also about merit.
There have been several studies that suggest that widespread RSE results in young people having sex later. Equally, having no RSE at all could result in pornography becoming the primary source of sex education. “I’m a big fan of porn,” Rare clarifies, “[but] Mainstream porn misses out on a lot of things.”
Today most of RERA’s work is done online. Despite this, she doesn’t trust social media, or the “Wild West” of the internet – especially after her Instagram account was deleted without warning in 2018. Social media platforms at large do not take into account the interests of the sex-positive community.
Rare adds that even RSE content shared on TikTok by clinically trained people, or users with specialist professional experience, undergoes much more censorship than videos that are clickbait or potentially spreading misinformation. “I don’t think they want sex education on their platforms,” she says. “People still feel uncomfortable talking about sex. Then you throw young people on apps into the mix, you throw misogyny and homophobia and transphobia and racism into the mix… it’s sex. And it’s a scary time to be talking about bodily autonomy.
‘People are still uncomfortable talking about sex’
(Corinne Cumming)
Before I leave, I ask Rare the question I’ve been burning to ask — the one everyone wonders when they meet non-monogamous people. Does Rare ever get jealous? Specifically, when his partner dates or sleeps with other people? she laughs. This is one he’s heard before.
“I feel jealous,” she says. “But I don’t experience jealousy in a way that’s different from when I was monogamous.” She proceeds to dish down dynamite advice for non-monogamous And Monogamous Among Us. “Jealousy is an experience we are very afraid of, and I think the fear of jealousy is far more harmful than actually experiencing jealousy itself. Because jealousy is really insecurity. If you can find out where it coming from and why it might be happening, and you can find out what to do [with it]Or what to communicate to other people … It’s not that scary.
I madly write it down (for business purposes, of course.) Here the text ends. One of them, at least.
‘Sex Rated’ arrives on Channel 4 this spring